FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
UNIVERSAL PICTURES ANNOUNCES “JAWS: INDIANAPOLIS”, COMING MARCH 2018
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UNIVERSAL CITY, Calif., September 21, 2014 – Universal Pictures today announced their “Jaws: Indianapolis”, the latest installment the Jaws cinematic universe. Steven Spielberg has signed on to produce this highly anticipated entry to the iconic maritime franchise. James Wan will come aboard to direct, alongside veteran screenwriter Damon Lindelof.
The Australian director most recently helmed recent breakout horror hits Insidious and The Conjuring, as well as the upcoming Fast and Furious 7. Wan and Spielberg share a bold new vision with Spielberg for this film and its characters. The filmmaking duo will create an epic journey of survival that stays true to the thrilling nautical sequences and heart-wrenching human drama of the original 1975 classic.
Jaws: Indianapolis will recount the single greatest loss of life in U.S. Navy history: the sinking of the U.S.S. Indianapolis on the terrifying night of July 30th 1945. In the vein of 2013’s Gravity, a single-shot opening sequence will recreate the thrilling final twelve minutes of the flagship cruiser, as it is suffers repeated torpedoing by a ruthless Japanese submarine. Armed with only a handful of lifeboats, one thousand crewmen must fend against drowning, dehydration and devastating shark attacks in order to survive.
The film expands upon the iconic monologue told by Quint (Robert Shaw) in the 1975 thriller. “Lost” alumni Lindelof’s signature flashbacks will recall how the Indianapolis transports the first atomic bomb, Little Boy. And flashforwards will explore the impending destruction Hiroshima and its aftermath.
Rising British prospect Jack O’Connell (Starred Up, 71, Unbroken) has signed on to portray a younger, more volatile Quint. Channing Tatum (21 Jump Street) will play Indianapolis captain Charles B. McVay III. Ken Wattabe (Godzilla) will star opposite him as the commander of Japanese submarine I-58, Hiroshima native Mochitsura Hashimoto. And none other than Andy Serkis will provide a motion capture performance as the tiger sharks, who count the original Jaws’ parents among their ranks.
The film is slated for a March 23rd 2018 release.
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“Jaws: Indianapolis” has a rumoured budget of $270 million, although Universal are actively trying to this closer to a more “manageable” $210 million.
Spielberg’s PR manager told reporters the Oscar winner “is delighted to return to the franchise that announced his illustrated career. Steven is excited to work on Jaws for the first time in nearly four decades, and has many ideas to bring to the project.” She went on to emphatically refute claims that Spielberg merely “stuck his name onto the movie for an easy paycheck”.
“Honestly, the claimed $20 million producer’s fee is an afterthought for Steven. All his producer credits, from Transformers to, Cowboys & Aliens to, er, Real Steel, show that he still has his artistic integrity.
“I mean, it was his idea that Autobot Bumblebee should piss engine oil on that Secret Service douchebag,” she added. “Classic Spielberg.”
James Wan gushed about working on such an illustrious franchise: “Jaws is the biggest franchise ever. I know Mark Wahlberg said that about Transformers this year – but what does he know? The man has a third nipple. You can’t trust that.
“Fast and Furious 7 was great and all but… actually, it was a nightmare. It was really fucking weird working with that creepy Paul Walker CGI marionette. I’m just glad I had a background in horror. Honestly though, I was completely out of my depth on the project. I mean, I made The Conjuring for a tight $2 million and, sure, it was a big hit. But suddenly Universal are throwing $250 million at me – 100 times as much – and expecting me to rake in a billion dollars. Is it because I look Asian? They think “Oooh is he Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon guy?” I’m Australian! Racists.
“Anyway, Jaws has been making pointless sequels since 1979. Jaws 2 famously captured the on-screen demise of French Connection actor Roy Schneider’s Hollywood career at the hands of an incompetent French director. Jaws: The Revenge represented the nadir of Michael Caine’s (otherwise) illustrious film career. So things can hardly get worse from here.”
Jack O’Connell was candid in his appraisal of the film. “Me agent told me they’re making another bleedin’ Jaws movie – an’ I says typical – typical fucking Hollywood. I mean the shark exploded at the enda the first one and they still made three bloody more a them, ” he seethed.
“An’ why stop there? Here’s another – after thirty-odd years nonetheless. As if ev’rybody was bangin’ on the door, just clambering for it. They offered me three mill though just to swim around an’ shout a bit for six months – basically what I did in me last film. So I thought, why not, if you can’t beam ‘em – join em. It can hardly be worse than Battleship.
“This prequel-preboot-preimagining shite, whatever you call it – you jus’ know it’s gonna make a ton o’ money in China just by virtue o’ havin’ a shark on the poster. They bloody love sharks over there – even have them in their soups when they’s run outta dogs.”
Andy Serkis’ manager revealed that the mo-cap star plans to “go native” by swimming with a motley band of Pacific tiger sharks for several months, in order to “get into character”. “He’ll come back a shark,” intoned the manager, “Or he won’t come back at all.”
Ken Wattabe looks forward to staring in “a wise Oriental manner” for eighty per cent of his screen time.
Weta Workshops, the special effects whizzes behind the Lord of the Rings, revealed that they would NOT be working on the film. “Universal received a significantly cheaper offer from some jokers in Quebec. The local government gives a 30% tax rebate to Hollywood fat cats who outsource their CGI to provincial special effects studios. Expect to see expensive yet somehow unconvincing CGI sharks in dark, dreary 3D. Of course it’s in 3D – who’s going to turn their nose up at $200 million in ticket surcharges?”
Damon Lindelof was excited for his screenwriting role. “A draft of the script (by some nobody!) landed on my desk, and I was like – What the hell is this? Action, adventure, excitement? It was like Prometheus all over again! Blockbusters need to be pretentious: they need to ask the big questions in life. “Why are we here? What separates man from shark? Apart from more teeth. Do sharks dream? Do they feel guilt about abandoning their young as eggs? Can we jarringly insert a flashback to explore this and wreck our pacing? Can we as film-makers tactlessly recreate the Hiroshima bombings so that we can show a cool mushroom cloud in the trailers? Will we ever have a satisfactory answer to any these questions?
“If you ever watched Lost, you’ll know the long answer.”
Universal executives are so confident about the success of Jaws: Indianapolis that they have already announced further instalments of the Jaw cinematic universe. “Jaws: Red Alert” is pencilled for August 2019: a claustrophobic Cold War thriller set aboard a U.S. Navy submarine during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Ron Howard’s “Amityville” comes hot on its heels: an aching exploration of PTSD and marriage difficulties featuring the original Jaws’ Sheriff Brody – played by Homeland’s Sergeant Brody, Damien Lewis. The drama is scheduled for Fall 2020, as is already hotly-tipped for awards season. Meanwhile the low-budget found-footage horror film “Submergence” (#jawsawaits) has been announced for October 2021. The much-anticipated “Jaws vs. Sharknado: Dawn of Sharks” is expected to hit theatres in Spring 2022. And, in collaboration with Dreamworks Pictures, the family-friendly adventure “A Shark Tale 2: Finding Jaws” is planned for Summer 2023.
A PR spokeperson for Universal Pictures was coy about the studio’s plans beyond this date, but revealed that further Jaws entries are planned annually “up to and including 2027”.
“You’re getting at least ten more Jaws movies, whether you like it or not. Go fuck yourselves.”
Corzies 
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